For current Freundisms:

Last updated: 12/12/09

"Dude, your house would be like a vagina."

"I like Johnsburg because it has better balls"

"What does twice mean?"

"If I wasn't married to Ang, I'd be married to my GPS."

"So I lost one of my testes. I even checked the box and couldn't find it."

"I thought a pall bearer was at a wedding."

"Can you tell I'm an only child? I play with myself."

"This thing is racist against men."

"A spider is an arachnoid."

"Owe. It's when you get a boo-boo."

Ryan: "Porpoise. What kind of operation is that?" Angela: "It's an animal."

"I like to count the turds at the bottom of the port-o-potty."

"I feel like a laggy modem right now"

"TFJ, what does it stand for? Too much information."

"Bequeath. It sounds like you just farted."

(on our way from Grayslake to Chicago) "The sign says 94 South to Indiana. We don't want to go to Indiana."

"I was in my low teens, like 11 or 12."

"I just shot sonar into my penis.  Not good."

"I'm so fruity, but not in a gay way."

Jenny H: "You're so skinny, I hate you." Ryan: "Everybody's so racist against me, my God!"

"Your website was already reported to the AARP." (He meant the ACLU)

"Sometimes I find it easy to misspell common words like 'the'."

"So first, let me give you a prenopsis."

"I don't know where it came from, but that pineapple we had in Hawaii was so good!"

"But they should still be there, because even on Western time it's only 2:00."

Angela: "I can't believe how Joe Morgan's head is like a perfect sphere." Ryan: "Hey, my head is sphere-like." Angela: "ALL heads are sphere-LIKE."

"He tastes good, I like his candy."

"$2.23? Isn't it half the price at Wal-Mart, like $2.12?"

"Don't be offended, but I was kind of hoping you would be my ho."

Ryan: "What is halibut?" John: "It's a fish." Ryan: "So why don't they just call it fish?"

"You think; therefore, you am."

Angela: "You seem to have a lot of old people in your family." Ryan: "I don't know, they all seem to die."

(while in the kitchen) "Hey, it's kind of like being in a kitchen!"

"It's about another 60 miles until we hit St. Peter." (en route to St. Paul, MN)

"I wanted to get pictures of the skyline of St. Louis." (still in St, Paul, MN)

"I'm being nice and corking it."

"Mostaccioli, it's the only Italian I know."

"I took a book out of Geo's page."

(playing Scattergories) "Vacation Spots: in Nigeria."

"Put a 'W' on here for 'victory'."

"It takes up too much space in my brain to know where I am."

"Ang is better with directions.  She has a photogenic memory."

"I'm like a male pigeon, trying to show off for you."

"But the numbers are in order: 6, 7, 9, 2...oh."

"You're going to need your FOID card for these guns (muscles)...wait, that doesn't make sense."

(Trying to spell Angela's name with his arms) "Give me an A!  Give me an N...oh, I guess that looks more like a K.  Give me an E!  Oh, wait..."

"If you feel something jab you it's not my penis, it's the pen cap."

Ryan: "[Andy] Roddick is playing a little e-Roddick right now." Angela: "You mean erratic?"

an: "So did you wear a spectacle when you were eating caviar?" Dan: "You mean a monacle?"

"I love this steak, it tastes like butter!"

"Is it 2006 already?"

Ryan: "Dude, Mario's coming on your ass!" Adam: "Um, Ryan..."

"I'm more of a Linens 'n Things type of guy."

John: "Jenny got a new bush man." Mel: "Ryan, do you like bush?" Ryan: "I don't like Bush or Cheney.  I'm married!"

Dan: "I don't think we're going to have enough burgers for everybody." Ryan: "That's OK, we can have everybody cook their own, just like at Fuddruckers."

"That looks like Hawaii, but it's probably Denver."

"R, the most underrated vowel there is."

"So, what is sex appeal?"

"A bird is not really an animal, because it flies."

"You can't write that down, I TM'd it."

Dan: "So what happens when you get mumps?" Ryan: "I think Kermit the Frog comes out, you get mumpets."

Adam: "It's got a musical instrument that I think you're going to like." Ryan: "Is it a slide rule?" Dan: "I think you mean slide whistle ."

"Imagine if...Dan were a singer.  Who would he or she be?"

"Dan, get drunk.  Then we're going to take advantage of you."

"You don't like watermelon?  But your last name was Watermelon 'til I met you!"

Ryan: "I thought bisque was a bread." Mary: "No, that's a bis-CUIT."

"But I was scared, I wanted to be a girl but I couldn't be."

"I wasn't trying to punch you, I was just smokin' that ass."

"Othello...doesn't that sound Shakespearian or something?"

Ryan: "The tax is higher on...goods. You know, the goods tax." Dan: "You mean sales tax?"

"I'm not gay, I'm just trying to keep warm."

"We'll have to get together later for some Bondage."

Ryan: "Who is Carol Burnett?" Adam: "She was the star of The Carol Burnett Show ."

"Ho, ho, ho!  Not you, Ang."

"So it's a good thing I'm ripped...with a W."

Adam: "So you're 100% German?" Ryan: "Not anymore."

(driving home from WI) "We're past Chicago, aren't we?"

*DING* "We need a bong for our house."

Ryan: "How many days in February this year?  27?" Angela: "No, 28." Ryan: "Oh, I didn't know if there was one less because of the leap year."

"Birdo, it's almost like it rhymes with Merdo."

"I never win this game, but I did last time."

"F, isn't that German for something?"

"You're going the same way I'm going every time, only opposite."

"So what are pitas, like, the treehuggers?"

"So Alex, do you ever try to make your pecs dance?"

"There's so much fog in here, you could cut it with a knife!"

Ryan: "And soon I'm going to start planning for that one-year reenactment thing."/ Angela: "Anniversary?"/ Ryan: "Yeah, that's the word!"

"So do you think they're trying on lingerie or tickle dust?"

"'Cuz I'm a Peggermuffin!"

"You used my mouthwash on your testicles?!?"

"Dan's the gonads, Alex is the strife."

"So wait, where is Philadelphia again?"

TV Announcers: "Kermit the Frog, the most beloved talking amphibian in the world."/ Ryan: "Wait, I thought that was Bugs Bunny!"/ Angela: "Well, he's not an amphibian..."

"The Sears Tower is the world's tallest building in North America."

"Su padre does that mean your padre?"

Adam : "Yeah, there were 4-ft. waves on Lake Michigan today." Ryan : "Oh, I thought you were on a lake."

"Oh God, don't hit me in the boob!"

"She swears like a race horse!"

"Hey, that hurts me...right in the prostate."

"That's why she needs to get on Wheel of Fortune , so we can be, like, ten-thousandaires!"

"Adam needed something from the Oriental section...Cheez-Its, or something."

Colleen : "You ate a baby calf?!?" Ryan : "Well, it was dead..."

Ryan : "Don't get that lactate stuff on me!" Adam : "You mean milk?"

"Illinois 120...well we're already in Illinois, but I guess it's 120 miles."

"It's so cold it makes my balls shrink!"

"It's log, it's log, it's better than wood, it's good..."

"My back is color blind, it's not racist."

"So, where exactly is St. Louis?"

"I'm a plum fairy, what can I say?"

"You're like a deuce camel!"

"That's the problem with big words, I never use them."

"You know, guys?  This is like the summer of the year!"

"Now I get why Geico has a gecko for their mascot...they sound the same!"

"Twinkle bells, twinkle bells...oh wait, that's Jingle Bells, isn't it?"

"Whoa, that tiki torch looks like it's on fire!"

"We could paint the plastic bottles clear."

"Oh, so THAT'S what the letters on the bingo cards mean!"

"It was like $10 each for the two of them."

"You heard it here first...your source for poop facts." "Whoa, that last peanut just tasted like peanut butter!"

"I'm feeling kind of 'Randy' right now."

"Uh-oh, Alex is going to die, we should call the police."

"My computer desk toppled like a deck of cards."

"Nancy Drew? I thought she was an author!"

"Our very own illegitimate son...Dust."

"What's the difference between a byte and a bite?"

Ryan: "I was pushing around boulders all day." Dan: "What are you a caveman or something?"

"The diamond on [Angela's] ring is so sharp, it could cut glass!"

"Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and Count Chalkula" (first 3 Sesame Street characters that came to mind while playing Cranium Turbo)

"Rag...the 4-letter word that scares me the most."

"I'm like cotton, feel me."

(to Geo) "Quick, rub me!!"

"It looks like I have a boner, geez!"

"I'm the only non-guy I know who talks on the phone."

Alex: "Yeah, I sweat like a pig." Ryan: "I know, you could just stand over me and shower me." Hansen (grossed out): "With what?!?"

Angela: "So where are you?" Ryan: "We're right by City Cat Doctor." Dan: "Yeah, because everyone knows where City Cat Doctor is."

"Sooo....I'm the anitbiotic, you're the germ...let's make out!"

(Revisiting 8th grade) "Smooth move, Ex-lax." "How come every time I'm with you peeps I gotta take a nasty crap?"

"El bano olfete semejante naranja." (The bathroom smells like...oranges?)

"You quoted me right, I just said it wrong."

"I'll just stand here and wait for it to come around." (the Polaris table)

"But we'll be more like in the, wait, what century is this?"

"Oh my God, these things are so soft, it's like I just wanna pet 'em!" (referring to some Halloween cookies)

"So if I drink Tsing-Tao Beer, will I turn Asian?"

"Well then, what's the difference between amaretto sour and amaretto stone sour?  I thought the stones were the ice."

"It's not like I was asking to be girlfriend-girlfriend."

"So, I heard that if you eat the colored tortilla chips, your crap turns
different colors."

6:30 A.M.: "So today I decided that I'm going to talk all Shakespeare.  Good morrow, how art thou?"  

“Thank God they didn't sing, ‘cuz we're out of cigs!”

“Tampons have wings?”

" Women have 1 ovary?"  

“That shirt with the collar…and the buttons at the top…you know, the kind that Alex wears all the time.”  

“That sounds way too much like Spanish.”  

“I'm gonna name my first-born son ________________”

“What? 60 meets 94?”

“Jiga-quien?” (- como , -que)

Ryan: “I have a really huge…”/ Alex: ”Head! Mouth!”/ Ryan: ”No!” (point to unmentionables)  

“[Alex] is more of a woman than I am.”

“Twinkle, twinkle little star…wait, how does it go?”


Ryan: “OK, I get half of your winnings or your losings.”/ Alex: “So you still owe me $1.”

“Shuffle boy's gonna take you out!”

“Just when I thought I had you by the gonads…”

“Pig-Pen…shower, you fool!”

“Nothin' left but the cryin'.”

“Yes it does, it has that grass aftertaste!”


“Paso one en el book-o…”  

“Humphrey Gobart…er, I mean…”

“So…I'm the fly, you're the cow dung…”

“I've got a mind like a rat trap.”  

“Kick ass, sea bass!”

“100% pure angus beef, right here.”

“My ass is like a steam engine!”

Ryan: “Is there a draft in here?”/ Angela: “Well, the window's open…”

“Now I get why they call it a Three-for-all!”

“What, Abercrombie and Fitch mows lawns?”

Jenny: “It seems like you have a family reunion every 6 months!”/ Ryan: “No, more like twice a year.”  

 “It's like it ralphs all over itself, it's disgusting!”